To fix codependency, you must first acknowledge that you are codependent. Once you do that, you can work with a therapist, coach, or support group to identify your specific codependent habits and learn strategies to break them.
Specific Steps to Overcoming Your Codependent Habits
While it is a sign of a healthy relationship to allow your partner to support you physically, mentally, and emotionally, the tide quickly turns unhealthy when we disconnect from our own ability to support ourselves and struggle at overcoming codependency.
Being codependent means that you are addicted to your addicted person. Just like alcohol (or drugs or porn or video games) temporarily takes him away from his problems, focusing on him, temporarily takes you away from yours.
Many people struggle with codependency, making it difficult to build healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. It can be tough to change these habits, but with therapy, self-care, and the right coping strategies, codependent individuals can learn how to overcome codependency and establish healthy, rewarding relationships.
Boundaries are a way to express how you want to be treated. Not only is setting boundaries an important part of learning how to not be codependent, but boundaries can help you reduce the amount of stress and anxiety in your life.
Many codependent people have insecure attachment styles, which can cause them to feel clingy or develop a fear of abandonment. Identifying your attachment style can make you more aware of how you behave in relationships, allowing you to address unhealthy codependent patterns of behavior.
Communication is key to any healthy relationship. Studies consistently show that couples who communicate with each other have a higher rate of relationship satisfaction. Communicating with others can help you to express your needs and break codependent habits.
Asking yourself questions like how do I stop being codependent can put an incredible amount of pressure on you. Rather, you can start overcoming codependency by taking some small steps towards independence. For example, you can:
Of course, there is a range of different kinds of codependent relationships, but it is important to note that these relationships can often become abusive because of the inherent power dynamic between caretaker/enabler and the dependent. Abusive relationships are more common in relationships that lack boundaries. To break the cycle of codependency, work on establishing boundaries in your relationship. Again, this can be difficult to do if you are not in the practice of setting and enforcing boundaries, but starting small can help you establish better boundaries moving forward.
People who naturally have anxiety may also be drawn to the caretaking role in a relationship, because it serves as an outlet for their anxiety. As we mentioned before, partners often feel fulfilled in their codependent relationships, even if the terms of the relationship are unhealthy. Whether or not you struggle with anxiety as an individual, it is important not to seek anxiety in a relationship or tolerate high levels of anxiety in order to please a partner. Dealing with feelings of anxiety through self care, therapy or other, healthy means is a great way to avoid high levels of anxiety in your relationship.
Codependent relationships are common if one person has a problem with substance abuse. In these scenarios, the codependent partner enables the addict's actions by bending over backwards to do things for them, support them and love them despite their destructive, unhealthy behaviors. In these situations the codependent person is actually an enabler to the addict, either knowingly or unknowingly encouraging the addictive behavior because of a need to be needed. This is one of the more serious types of codependent relationships, and can lead to extended addiction, and failure at recovery programs for the addict. If you or your partner have a substance abuse problem that is enabled by the relationship, then this could be a sign that you are in an unhealthy codependent relationship.
Navigating a codependent relationship, and breaking the cycle can be extremely difficult to do on your own. Especially if you are not able to see the codependent patterns from an objective point of view. When you are in the thick of a relationship, it can be very difficult to see red flags and codependent habits. Even if people that are outside of the relationship point these things out, it is tempting to become defensive of your relationship and your actions.
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Codependency is not only about overreliance on another person. It is also a sign of an underlying mental and emotional issue that can cause extreme discomfort and the loss of inner confidence. Thus, it is particularly important to address as it is a threat to your overall health and well-being. Fortunately, researchers have determined that a high level of emotional intelligence, which boosts self-esteem and self-reliance, can be very effective in overcoming the problem. In my practice as an emotional intelligence coach, I have found that you absolutely can increase your level of this most beneficial form of intelligence.
Imagine abandoning codependency and trusting your ability to handle whatever comes your way, knowing that you can ask for help, but not automatically doing so. Feelings of insecurity under pressure are in the past. Self-reliant people have learned to make decisions and own them. Thus, they can direct their own lives. The approval of others is not critical to their sense of self-worth. None of this is possible in a codependent relationship.
All of this is supported and enhanced by increased levels of emotional intelligence. It is a high level of emotional intelligence that helps you to fulfill your potential and allows you to be motivated by your own values, needs and feelings. This makes it critical to move away from codependency and toward self-reliance. It is heightened emotional intelligence that will allow you to notice your feelings, label your raw emotions, recognize problems and commit to viable long-term solutions. With greater emotional intelligence, you will develop a deeper awareness that will allow you to replace your unhealthy patterns and habits with self-reliance and independence.
If you are codependent and struggle with your basic sense of self-worth, it can be easy to believe that you are inherently defective. Taking time to look beyond the lie that you are just plain defective to really understand how you personally learned your codependent patterns is a significant step in learning to respect yourself more. Every person has a story that is worth listening to and understanding, including you. As you begin to understand how you have been impacted by your experiences and recognize that your codependent patterns are understandable ways of trying to cope with difficult situations and not signs of inherent defectiveness, you will experience less self-blame and more compassion for yourself. You also will experience restored hope that you really can learn healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
The first step is to face the problem honestly. Chances are, you have rationalized and justified and even spiritualized your codependent style. Now is the time to face it head-on. For someone who has spent a lifetime using denial to ward off pain, shame, or fear of rejection, this can be a terrifying experience. You will need support from people who can provide safe relationships that allow you to be emotionally honest on your journey. These supportive relationships might come from friendships, support groups, or professional counseling.
One way to begin breaking through denial is to seriously consider the experiences that have contributed to your codependency. Most often this involves exploring significant aspects of your family history. Because codependents have learned to cope by disconnecting from their inner emotions, this exploration cannot be simply an intellectual exercise. It must involve a process of coming to terms with your actual feelings as a child. It also means being completely honest about your family of origin.
Many codependents have received wonderful help through twelve-step programs such as Codependents Anonymous and Twelve Steps for Christian Living. These programs are not run by professionals and typically involve meetings organized around principles of recovery commonly referred to as the twelve steps. Twelve-step groups are just one form of support groups. Other types of support groups can be helpful as well.
Codependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melodie Beattie. Center City, Minnesota, Hazelden Press, 1987, 1992. This book is one of the first written for the lay public and is still one of the best-selling books on the topic. It provides a good introduction to codependency and steps toward recovery. It is compassionately written by an author who identifies with being codependent.
If most of your relationships have been codependent or unhealthy, you might have a hard time recognizing what a healthy relationship looks like. But guess what? You can always learn! Talk about examples of healthy relationships in therapy. Ask other people in happy relationships about their experiences. Fire up the Google machine and go down the rabbit hole of how to build strong, healthy relationships.
Dr. Vu: I can tell, that is wonderful and a really good set of dental habits. Now, I see you have a few very small cavities. I think that since you take care of your mouth, we might be able to fight these and definitely prevent more from coming. But we will have to fight them together.
However, codependent relationships can have the opposite effect. A person with a substance use disorder in a relationship with a codependent can make overcoming the dependence on alcohol or drugs even more challenging. 2ff7e9595c
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